A few days ago, I commented on a blog entry about Lifetime movies. It got me to thinking about a blog entry I wrote once on MySpace, back when people used MySpace. I love Lifetime movies so, so much. If it is snowing outside, super cold, raining, super hot, Saturday or Sunday, I am probably watching a movie marathon on Lifetime Movie Network. So, here is my recycled post with a few things added. Enjoy.
“Lifetime Movie Network….Your movie’s on”
Oh how I love Lifetime and all of it’s drama. Mostly because it teaches you many life lessons, such as:
- Never move back to your hometown if you have been away for years. All of your secrets will be revealed, and someone from your past will probably stalk you.
- Do not, under any circumstances, trust a stranger that has just moved into town. Most likely he/she is a murderer, con artist, or harboring some horrible secret from their past.
- If you are a millionaire, DO NOT marry someone younger and more attractive. They WILL kill you for the money. Also…
- Your new hot trophy wife is having sex with your son.
- If your husband works many hours and takes business trips, he most likely has a second family in the next town. The other wife is younger and prettier.
- Do not trust Cheryl Ladd. She is a man-stealing sexpot.
- If you should ever find yourself kidnapped by the Indians, do not distress. If you calm down, you will realize that you belong there, and that guy guarding you is probably your soul mate.
- When you filled out those papers for your mortgage, your identity was most likely stolen.
- The person who was convicted of murdering your loved one years ago is innocent, and the real killer is either a family member or the high school sweetheart you married.
- While doing any estate planning with your spouse, it’s always a good idea to discuss all possibilities. For example, if one of you ends up in a persistant coma, how long before the other may begin dating? Which brings me to…
- When you wake up from a 20 year coma, do not be surprised that your husband has moved on with your best friend. Also, your child probably calls her mom. Don’t they look happy in those vacation photos?
- If a man brings you flowers and is nice to your mother, he will most likely turn into a crazy, possessive stalker as soon as you marry him. Unless…
- Your mom is Joanna Kerns, in which case, she is going to kill him because he isn’t good enough for you.
- Miracles happen on Christmas! Dead people come back to life and the factory in town that is about to close will be saved when the evil, rich owners learn the true meaning of Christmas.
- Being a single mom at age 16 is easy!
- You should just accept that you were adopted. No, your birth mother has no desire to meet you. You just remind her of the jerk that left her knocked up. She has another family now. The only other possibility to explain why you don’t fit into your family is that….
- Well I’m sorry to inform you, but you were actually kidnapped as a baby or small child. Yes, that is your face on the milk carton. Your real family lives a block away. Of course, there is one more possibility….
- The hospital switched you with another baby shortly after birth. No one noticed. Your real parents are either extremely rich or much poorer, depending on your luck.
- As we speak, your husband is planning to kill you for the insurance money. Don’t worry, in about 20 years, that sly investigative reporter will find enough evidence to convict him.
- Are you newly married to the man of your dreams? Yeah, you should know that your daughter and his son are already making out. But they are really in love, so you’ll just have to deal with it.